Into the Eclipse
by in-a-requiem
Summary: Edward has been away from Forks, and Bella, for several years. While he's been writing loves songs about her and producing musical magic in Chicago, shady things have been going down in Forks. He has to figure out what happened and who to trust.
1. Riding the Waves of Grief

_Characters based on Stephenie Meyers's __Twilight__, all rights reserved._

---

I could hear the soft humming of a generic requiem as I stood outside the door. My face grew pale as I prepared myself to open it. This was going to be the second hardest thing I will ever do during my existence. The first had probably been the cause of this entire situation. Cold air burned my lungs as I took a deep breath and a hard swallow. Fighting back the tears that had been allowed freedom earlier, I reached for the handle. Another deep breath.

"Come on Edward, you can do this. You _have_ to do this," there was nothing left outside, and it was time for me to face what lie ahead.

"Edward?" A small voice was behind me. I knew immediately it had to be Alice. "Is that really you, or has grief left me delusional," she gave me a sad, wry smile when I turned to meet her.

"It's really me. You are not deluded yet," I offered a polite smile. "I would say it's nice to see you, but I would have preferred better circumstances. My own funeral, even," I could feel my face growing pale and the tears start to burn the back of my eyes.

"Oh Edward," she grabbed my hand, and we walked through the door together.

My chest tightened as I looked around room. People I had abandoned. Some that had abandoned me. Had this been any other occasion, I would have been in danger of losing my own life. As Alice and I ventured further into the sea of mourners, hand in hand, I could feel their eyes on me. Not all the eyes. Just a few pairs, specifically. As if I wasn't in enough pain already, I knew my homecoming was only going to get worse.

"Everything is going to fall apart after today," Alice leaned in and whispered.

I already knew. Bella told me everything only a few days ago. My arms held her only a few days ago. It was all going to be okay, I promised her that. Maybe it was foolish of us to believe that the fairy tale ending was still possible. Nausea washed over me, a result of anxiety and intense guilt. I looked at Alice, and wondered how much she really knew. She squeezed my hand, and I had to believe that she was the one person Bella would have trusted. It had to be the reason why Alice was standing next to me and the others were thinking about lynching me after the dust had settled.

"I'm sorry that our reconciliation is coming too late," I whispered back to Alice, as we finally made our way to Charlie and Renee.

"Never too late, Edward," Alice smiled.

At the sound of my name, Charlie looked up. I was relieved when the only expression that crossed his face was surprise. He hugged the person in front of him, and began coming towards me. I felt my chest tighten again, and I took several deep breaths as I watched him.

"It's so good to see you," he had tears in his voice and he wrapped his arms around me in the saddest hug I had ever experienced.

"Charlie, I am so sorry," I began sobbing into his shoulder. At this point, I was sorry for too many things. I hope he understood that. "I came as soon as I heard. I only hope I am not causing any extra grief by being here."

"We need you here. We've needed here for some time now, Edward," his voice was low now, almost a whisper.

I looked for Alice, and she was hugging Renee. Their sobs were painful ones. I was about to make my way over to them, when I saw him. Jacob was standing behind Renee, receiving condolences as well. I felt Charlie's grip on my shoulder as I stopped immediately. My body shook with anger and the tears dried up. There would be no peace for Bella today. Not even on the one day we are supposed to be guaranteed it. Before I was able to turn my back to Jacob, he spotted me.

"Cullen! It means a lot to us that you're here today," he slapped my back and pulled me into a hug.

"I only wish it were under better circumstances," I muttered into his chest.

"You know what they say, we come together in times of great tragedy," his façade of solemnity was not fooling me. By the vice grip on my shoulder, it wasn't fooling Charlie either.

Before I could clear the anger from my throat, Alice returned to my side opposite Charlie. Jacob's eyes darted to her and looked her over.

"Blue? Bold choice for such an occasion, don't you think?" Jacob sneered.

"It was her favorite color, Jacob. She hated black," Alice's face narrowed as she turned to Charlie, "I'm so sorry Charlie."

"She always looked stunning in blue," Charlie smiled, "thank you Alice."

Jacob gave Alice and me a once over and decided that he had more important things to concern himself with. Perhaps the rest of the grief stricken Forks population. Before I was able to notice that she had moved from her post, Renee threw her arms around me. At first, I was too stunned to return the embrace. The way I was being received in the Swan home was an unexpected surprise. An ease to a great deal of anxiety building inside of me.

Surrounded by the three people that loved Bella as much as I did, I let my mind wander. What had really happened here during my absence? I began wondering if Jasper and Emmett were going to approach me while I was in Charlie's company; I was assuming they would wait until after most of the mourners left. Deep in thought, I began scanning the living room. I wondered if Rosalie was going to have the gall to appear today. Part of me hoped so; that was the angry, vengeful part. The part of me that was consumed by grief and loss hoped Rosalie had skipped town all together.

"I hope we can talk later, after the service," Charlie shot me a knowing look as he returned to his post next to Renee and Jacob.

"Shall we?" I turned to Alice, and took her hand.

"She would have really hated this, you know. She hated parties," Alice sighed under breath.

We made our way through old schoolmates and locals, many of which I hadn't seen since before I'd left. Alice's blue dress was drawing more attention than I would have liked, and I could hear the wave of gossip beginning. I was still searching the crowd for Rosalie when I heard a particularly annoying voice somewhere to the left me.

"He just left her, and like, they were supposed to go to Paris or something. To elope, or whatever," it was Jessica, but I didn't recognize the person she was talking to. I broke from Alice's hold, and made my way to Jessica's party.

"Actually, Jessica, we were planning to spend the rest of our lives in Italy," I interrupted smugly; Bella would have wanted me to put Jessica in her place. Besides, if they were going to run the rumor mill, I'd rather they do it properly. The shade of red that overtook Jessica's face indicated that she wouldn't be milling around my business for the rest of the afternoon. For this, I was grateful.

Alice meandered about the Swan living room while I spoke to Jessica, so I began to search for her in addition to Rosalie. Unfortunately, I found Jasper and Emmett instead. Although it would have been nice if the day's events would allow for some time before I was accosted, but the manner in which they were approaching me made it evident that I wouldn't be so lucky. There was no way to avoid the conversation that was to come, but I wasn't exactly ready to hand out my list of excuses for my poor behavior in the past. I let out a large sigh, and decided that it was better to just get it over with. As I reached this decision, Jasper and Emmett reached me.

"Gentlemen," I nodded.

"No need to be polite," Emmett replied.

"Emmett, for the sake of the other guests, please don't make a scene," Jasper was trying to maintain some peace that had clearly been unbalanced by my presence.

"I know I did some really shitty things, and I am prepared to own up to them. Later, I will take the ass kicking I've deserved for six years. Right now, I'd like to be left to mourn her loss. I loved her too, you know."

"Funny fucking way of showing it," Emmett sighed under his breath.

"Are you planning to stay in Forks for awhile?" Jasper asked.

"A week or so, I have some business to attend to, fences to mend. A couple of bridges to finish burning," I shrugged. "If you'll have me, I'd appreciate some time together. To catch up, or so that I may accept my beating."

"We'll be in touch, Edward," the menacing look Emmett shot me as they walked way was not reassuring.

I spotted Alice in front a beautiful picture of Bella, and moved through the crowd to join her. In the photograph, Bella's headed was tilted back into a laugh. Her brown eyes were shining and her hair was absolutely gorgeous. She was always absolutely gorgeous. After a few moments of taking in the picture, I realized I had taken it on one of my last nights in Forks. It was the happiest time I had ever known, or will ever know. My knees buckled under my own grief, and before I had a chance to compose myself I dropped down and began sobbing. It was not supposed to end this way. Not for Bella. Never for Bella.

**Author's Note**: This is probably how it will go down, I will post a chapter and wait for some reviews, then before I go onto writing (or posting, depending on how ambitious and multi-taskable I am) I will post a revised version. Ergo, I really do appreciated positive and constructive criticism…but constructive criticism is only helpful if it is constructive.

_Suggested playlist for 'Riding the Waves of Grief':_

Edward's homecoming: "Disarm" - Smashing Pumpkins  
Funeral turmoil: "Untitled" - Silverchair


	2. I See a New Moon Rising

_Characters based on Stephenie Meyers's _Twilight_, all rights reserved._

My body was convulsing and heaving, I was painfully aware of this. I felt outside of my own head and tried forcing myself to make a connection. A crowd was starting to gather, and I knew I wasn't going to be to stay in this living room for much longer. I needed air. I needed to escape from my own guilt. What I really needed, however, was her. Just like she needed me, and look where that has gotten us. As my own thoughts began to intensify the pain I was feeling, I felt Alice's small hand grip my arm and pull me up. Once I was on my feet, I pushed my way back to the door I was so afraid to enter. There was no possible way I could compose myself.

I was still running when spotted my Volvo. It was unclear to me what was causing my trouble breathing; the sprint from Charlie's house to my car or the persistent anxiety attack that had been fighting its way out since I reached the Forks city limits. I slid into my driver's seat and leaned my head back, gasping for air. Did it matter who I had to prove myself to, if it meant that I would have to come undone to do it? The last words she said to me echoed through my head, _promise me you'll come back for me this time._

"Oh god, Bella. What have I done?" My forehead hit the steering wheel harder than I had expected, bringing me a brief moment of clarity.

The Volvo's engine started, and I began heading further through Forks and out of town. There was one place I knew I would be able to remember her in peace. Without as much soul sucking guilt and heart crushing grief I felt in front of people that I had probably hurt as much as I hurt her. What the hell was I doing here? Why did I even let her return? This was the first time I had ever truly wished I'd never left. My body was relaxing as I turned off the highway and onto a road less travelled. I was almost composed completely when I reached my destination.

The meadow. Our meadow. There was no grief here, just fond memories tinged with sadness. I got out of my car and leaned against the front of it. While I had hoped to avoid smoking a cigarette while I was back, there were a lot of other things I was unable to avoid that were urging me to pull the pack of out my coat pocket and indulge. As I slowly took a drag, my eyes took in the nature around me. We had our first kiss here; I can still feel it on my lips from time to time. We also made love here once; which was an experience I won't forget.

I heard a car pull in behind me, and was slightly irritated that I was unable to grieve alone for very long. My irritation was only mildly relieved when it was Alice's yellow car that pulled up next to mine. There was comfort in her presence, but it was difficult enough to collect myself when I am alone. Her car door slammed, and leaves crunched under her feet. Soon, she was leaning against my car with me.

"I was supposed to protect her. I promised her, you know," I took the last drag of my cigarette and then flicked it to the ground.

"That was years ago, you can't possibly feel that responsible for this," Alice shrugged.

"I assure you, that promise did not come with an expiration date," my body faced her now, and I crossed my arms.

"Things change, Edward," there was a sharp tone in her voice.

"I needed closure, I guess. Maybe I really needed to see things for myself. She came to me last week, did she tell you? Just a few days ago she was sitting next to me in the recording studio in Chicago. I was really coming back for her this time. At least I knew she wanted me," there was a numbness tangled around my words.

"I'm sure Mr. I-own-this-town-and-everyone-in-it Black would have really gone for that. I don't imagine he would have been too happy to let her go. She was his prized possession for awhile, some kind of trophy. Another thing he was told he couldn't have, but got," Alice surprised me with her bitterness.

"What happened here, Alice? Everything is fucked up," I pulled another cigarette out of my coat, hoping that Alice would tell me what Bella hadn't.

"Basically, before you left, Forks had this balance of morality. The good guys, as I like to call them," she was hoisting herself up onto the hood of my car. I hoped this meant she was getting comfortable to tell me a lengthy story. "There was law and order, Esme and Charlie. And we had Carlisle, who was pretty much this symbol of humanity. The good doctor, if you would. Then, of course you know Esme left. You ran away not long after. Carlisle tried to maintain for awhile, but eventually he moved on too. That left us with Charlie," Alice was probably searching my face for a reaction. Esme was my mother, and she did abandon me and Carlisle. I don't talk about it much, if at all.

"Go on, Alice. I'm listening."

"Okay. Well, then Bella met Jacob when she was waiting for you to come back. She waited for awhile, too. I shouldn't say met, she became re-acquainted with him. His dad, Billy, owned this insurance company. Maybe you've heard of it over in Chicago, Black Industries? Anyway, before Jacob and Bella got married, Black Industries started privatizing the general hospitals in the Washington and Oregon areas. Jacob's involvement on the board of directors of the hospital gave us some hope. Maybe the good guys didn't all bail on us," she paused, for an annoying dramatic effect, "but greed changes even the most pure of heart. The corruption of Jacob Black was inevitable."

"Why is he still here, if he has acquired so much wealth?" While most of what Alice was telling me, Bella hadn't really disclosed, she also never mentioned why they remained in Forks even though Jacob could have afforded them comfort anywhere she wished to go.

"Another way of controlling her, I guess. She wanted to travel the world and take fabulous pictures. He wanted to keep an eye on her. I think staying here was a way to isolate her without having to answer to Charlie and Renee. As long as she was close to friends and family, they could assume that things were relatively normal."

I tried to stop myself before the words flew out, but I was too late, "What about Rosalie?"

"What about her?"

"Bella told me that Jacob had been carrying on with her for quite some time."

"Really? I guess I hadn't noticed. I'm not surprised though, everyone knew Bella didn't love him. Maybe she thought she did at first, when he gave her that ring. She was lying to herself. But then again, we were all lying to ourselves," Alice's eyes dropped to her feet and I watched a single tear stream down her face.

"I'm not leaving until someone is held responsible for her death, Alice. Even if it turns out that it was all my fault, for giving us both hope that we could finally have our 'happily ever after,'" our eyes met, and she shifted uncomfortably next to me.

"Look, Edward, I forgave you for leaving me and Carlisle and Forks behind a long time ago. I have even forgiven you for leaving Bella and not coming back. But, don't think for one second that you are going to push your way back into our lives and play the martyr," the anger she had been suppressing the moment she spotted me outside the Swan home was beginning to pour over me.

"Alice, I did come back for her. I came back for her four years ago, and do you know what I saw? Her arm in his arm and a ring on her finger. Do you know what else I saw? A smile that I thought was only meant for me. I thought she was happy, Alice. As much as I loved her then, after all I had put her through I couldn't take away that happiness from her," I felt my face flush with temper.

"You're not some self-sacrificing hero, Edward! You were a selfish boy who left for selfish reasons. Now you're just a selfish man. You left her here, and now you think you can come back and wallow in your grief? Well, fuck you. Some of us had to stick around and watch her fade away," in a fury, Alice left me standing by myself, the only thing left of her was the dust she kicked up on her way out of the clearing.

Twilight was coming, and the last thing I wanted was to be left with my own memories tainted by Alice's tirade. She was right. She was so fucking right. I am selfish.

**Author's note: **Why yes, maybe I am totally Lex Luthorizing Jacob Black. Please review, it's crucial to my writing process, and I am more than happy to return the favor! Plus, the message in my inbox makes me giddy.

_Suggested playlist for "I See a New Moon Rising":  
_"Desperate Now" – Stabbing Westward  
"Weapon" – Matthew Good  
"Mouth (The Stingray Mix)" - Bush


	3. The Making of a Peace Treaty

_I don't own these characters, or even most of these locations. Stephenie Meyer does, so rights to her._

Usually, I wait until the end to suggest songs to listen to, because I don't know what is going to fit the mood until I hear it while I'm writing…however, I am going to be listening to Sarah McLachlan's "Fallen" while I write the beginning._  
---_

I smoked another cigarette and tossed it across the meadow before I got back into my car. The sky was beginning to glow in reds, oranges and purples and I knew there were a few more people I had to face. A few more things to own up to. Physical punches to receive on top of Alice's verbal ones. I was a piece of shit, to come back here and break down in front of everyone. Who the fuck am I, anyway?

"Who the fuck are you?" I was staring at my eyes in the rearview mirror. Swollen, red and dull. _Good._ Things were only going to get worse if I let the sky complete its transformation while I was still out here, and that's the only reason I could start the car. I had barely made it to the edge of the woods when I realized I had been betrayed by the afternoon's clear weather. A torrential down pour was brewing. _Just what I fucking need._

Rain streaked down my windshield as the world around me glowed like an ignited ember. The radio was loud, so that I couldn't be consumed by myself anymore. My knuckles were turning white from the angry grip I had on the steering wheel. There was loud humming as I pushed the Volvo to go faster and faster, until I looked down and realized I was going close to 90 miles per hour. I threw my head back against the seat and let my foot shift all its weight to the gas pedal. _Demon speeding._ I slowly pulled my foot off the gas, and laughed maniacally at the irony. Here I am, driving away from the few good memories I can accept without guilt, only to come back to the hard part at full force. Suddenly, I thought about Alice's words. Which was it? Martyr or selfish dick?

The Swan house looked like a scene from a bad horror movie; dark, dreary and unwelcoming. The analogy was helped by the monsters waiting inside for me. Ones that wanted to rip me limb from limb and stomp the life out of me. I was braver this time; I couldn't sit outside the door in this downpour trying to find the courage to face my demons. There was no hesitation as I flung myself into the house. Emmett, Charlie and Jacob were sitting on the couch; a giant blob of black. They didn't even look up at me when the door slammed shut. I heard Alice and Jasper speaking in low whispers, probably to Renee, in the kitchen.

Who was I fooling? I couldn't face any demons tonight; I wasn't even inside my own head anymore. My thoughts swam in Alice's words and past and present images of the Swan home. Before I realized it, I was ascending the stairs. No one was watching me, but I'm sure they knew where I was going. _Left alone in my destruction, poetic justice._ Her bedroom was shut and unsuspecting; I didn't hesitate at this door either. I let myself in and I was overwhelmed with familiarity. Sweet strawberries and light freesia filled my nostrils. If I wasn't beginning to numb, the nostalgia would have killed me. Her bed was made, and I wrinkled the comforter as I lay down on it.

How long had it been since she had slept in this same spot? The way her different scents enveloped me, I would have swore she was just here last night. My hand reached over to turn the lamp on, and the room was illuminated with soft light. There was a picture of me facing the bed, a candid she had taken just days before Esme left. I could tell by the scarf I was wearing, I hadn't touched the thing since my mother walked out on me. An exaggerated sigh escaped my lips and I turned on my side to investigate the bedside photos. Behind the picture of me were three more: a family shot of Bella, Charlie and Renee, one Bella must have taken of herself and Alice; the last one made me hitch my breath. It was a beautiful black and white photograph of Bella and I engaged in a kiss. Another one she had taken herself, by stretching her arm out and aiming the camera down on us. It was taken in this very spot.

Where were the pictures of Jacob? I sat straight up and began looking around the room. Dried flowers on the memo board; I had given those to her on our first official date. My old brown leather jacket was draped over her office chair. There was a scrapbook sitting on the desk, so I relocated there. I began flipping through the pages. Again, the numb feeling was good because this book had a slap in the face on every page. Pictures of me, of her and of us. Ticket stubs, playbills, poetry and lyrics. Poems I had written. Lyrics that said something special about what our relationship was. This was scrapbook about our fucking year together. This was a book designed to spite me, to kick me when I was down. To throw salt in my wounds. _Fuck me._

I looked at the stereo next to me. Do I even dare? There was a possibility I already knew what was in there when I pressed play. It was me, playing the piano. Singing her song. Seducing her with music; I laughed when I remembered the way she kissed me when we listened to the song together. Passionately, desperately and deliberately. It wasn't the same teenage hormonal lust that motivated our usual make out sessions; that kiss was different. There were more after it that felt the same, but I'll never forget what it felt like to know it was more than just sex and hormones. It was love. We fucking loved each other, and I was sitting in a god damn museum of what was left of that love. My body shook as I thought about her, surrounded by all this Edward paraphernalia every day and waiting for me to come back for her. _You were a selfish boy who left for selfish reasons._

The rain picked up and started pounding loudly on her bedroom window; I smiled to myself when I thought about all the times I climbed through that window when Charlie was downstairs. Tired of torturing myself, I threw myself back down on the bed. Somewhere between the storm and the piano, I fell asleep. Wrapped in the only thing that I really could have left of her, carefully engulfed in her scents and a presence that wasn't really her anymore. It was a dreamless sleep, and I wasn't sure how long it lasted.

Not too long, because I felt Emmett throw himself down on the bed next to me.

"Wake up. It's time for a grief drink!" he was slapping my shoulder and pulling the purple comforter off of me.

"I'm not really in the mood for anymore verbal abuse today, much less the physical kind," I stretched skeptically.

"No abuse, Ed. Just friends remembering a friend. Jazz and Alice are going home, but I thought maybe a nice a glass of cognac and an old pal would be good for you," his face was softer than earlier. My eyes were still stinging, and I decided that I could use a drink. Or three.

"What are we still doing here," I replied, jumping off the bed.

As we were leaving, Charlie offered his couch to me for the night. I gladly accepted.

There was a small pub a few miles before town, the way I came, that Emmett declared rarely got any Forks business. We took his jeep, fearing that one of the roads might flood out.

The bar itself smelled and looked like a bar. A stale smell of alcohol and cigarettes wafted out the door as we entered. Patrons were scattered; at the bar, playing pool or darts. It's dim, like most bars are, but this one seemed darker. Something bluesy was playing on the jukebox. I claimed a table furthest from the bar and waited for Emmett to return with the drinks.

"Look, I'm sorry about what I said to you earlier," he started, sitting across from me and pushing a glass of Hennessy in front of me.

"Don't be. I want to kick my ass for what I did on a regular basis," I shrugged.

"It's just, it was hard for her after you left. I mean, yeah, Jake came along and offered her the world. But, she was holding out for you as long as she could."

"I'm sorry, for what I did to her. To you and Jasper too," I looked down at my drink.

"She was like a little sister to me, you know? I might have even liked her better than Alice, because Alice is too damn optimistic. Bella was fucking real, you know? And she loved the shit out of you, and you fucked her over. But, she forgave you. She understood. She was crazy about you," he gave me a sheepish grin. I wondered if this was supposed to make me feel better or shittier.

"After my mother left," my words twisted around a sigh, "I told Bella I was afraid there was something wrong with me. How was I supposed to love someone, if my own mother could just leave? Really, I was afraid that Bella would leave me too. Figure out whatever it was my mom figured out, and take off just like she did. That's what I was really afraid of."

"Oh shit, that's heavy," Emmett looked down at his glass now.

"Yeah. So I went to Chicago, stayed with a cousin who was going to school there. I started bartending and eventually started going to art school for music. I needed her though. When I left, a part of me stayed with her. I could survive just fine without her, but I was fucking empty. So fucking empty. I came back, but it was too late," if I hadn't cried every single tear I owned earlier that day, they would have been pouring out now.

"Well fuck."

"No kidding. But, I managed to be fine just knowing she was happy," I hesitated, wondering if I should mention Bella's stay with me the previous week, "but she came to me last week and told me she had been tracking me down for a few years. I think she found me on the liner notes of a CD. It killed me to see her so, not herself. She was a shell, like I was."

Emmett stopped responding to me, and just listened. Sometimes, shifting uncomfortable or giving head nods appropriately. I told him about our nights together at the recording studio, talking all night as I mixed and remastered tracks. I left out the parts about how we fucked and made love. She was a dead, married woman after all.

"She was going to leave Jacob and come to Chicago," I finished, flatly.

"Yeah, I heard that from Rose."

"Where is she, anyway?"

"Oh, she left me a couple days ago. Things hadn't been working out, I'm pretty sure she was screwing around on me," I cringed as he said that, because I knew who she had been screwing around with.

"I'm sorry."

"Nah. That shit's been going south for years. I don't know how Alice and Jasper do it, how they're so happy. I bet you guys woulda been happy too, though."

"Yeah, happily imperfect. I loved her so much, Emmett. I wanted to come back and tell her so many times, but I couldn't do it. Not after she got married. What kind of an asshole would I be? 'Gee, Bella, now that you're married, I just wanted you to know I love you.' It was too hard, Em."

"It was hard for Jake too, he knew she loved you. She said she loved him for awhile, Alice guessed she probably loved the way he filled the space you left her with. But, it took its toll on them. I think they stayed here because she was still waiting for you to come back, even after she was Bella Black," he was looking me in the eyes now, for the first time since we got to the bar.

I was left with nothing to say. A web of adultery, deceit and marital unhappiness had been spinning and I felt like I was somehow in the middle of all of it. I wondered if Emmett even imagined that Rose was sleeping with Jacob and why Bella never told him.

"Emmett, there's no excuse for what happened. How I left. But, I am sorry," I offered my hand to him.

He got up and pulled me up into an embrace.

"We fucking missed you, Ed."

"I missed you too."

We spent another drink catching up with each other. I talked about my various musical projects. He talked about coaching college football. He managed to get a degree at the University of Washington. We talked about Alice and Jasper. Emmett danced around the topic of Rosalie. It felt nice to be doing something so easy. Talking with him was the easiest thing I had done all day. Well, small talking anyway. When we left the bar, we were greeted with a monsoon-like wetness. The ride back was quiet.

Walking back up to the Swan's front door, I noticed Bella's old red truck in the garage.

"What a piece of shit," I laughed to myself. She loved that pile. Maybe I would look at it tomorrow, see what was wrong with it. Sit inside of it.

The living room was dark, but I found the couch easily. Grief and liquor exhausted me, and I was able to find sleep relatively quickly. I dreamed about rich, chocolate eyes and long brown hair. Images of kissing and love making floating throughout my dreams.

---  
_Suggested playlist for "The Making of a Peace Treaty":_  
"Fallen" – Sarah Mclachlan  
"Over" – Sugarcult  
"Morningstar" – AFI  
"Breakdown" – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers  
"Lose You Tonight" – H.I.M.


	4. There's a First Beach for Everything

_These characters are property of Stephenie Meyer._

_New chapters of __**Wide Awake**__ have been posted since Wednesday, and I have yet to read them. I figured I'd do an update before I started reading it, for the few of you that are actually reading and enjoying my story. I really appreciate the reviews and the adds to favorites. Thank you._

_The Deftones "No Ordinary Love" will definitely be part of this chapter. That song is amazing._

_---  
_Daybreak came too soon for me and I felt like shit. I could smell Renee burning something in the kitchen. Running my hands through my hair quickly, I got up from the couch to check on Renee. She was standing over the stove, contemplating her next move. Wondering how she was going to conquer the pancake batter. Maybe she was thinking about Bella standing in the same spot making those same pancakes. That's what I was thinking about. Renee heard me behind her and turned around.

"Good morning Edward," her tone was somber, but there was a smile on her face.

"Is it? How are you doing?"

"A parent should never have to bury her own child," Renee replied flatly, taking a deep breath.

"You were her mother, tell me what happened," I sat down at the table behind her.

"Edward, I know she went to see you. I'm her mother, for Christ sake. I know where she goes. If you don't know what happened, that means she wasn't telling you everything. I don't really see it's my place. Let her secrets die with her, and just try to heal yourself," her eyes narrowed as she turned back to the stove. I could her soft sobs.

"I'm sorry, Renee. I don't mean to make things harder. I just don't understand. Everything is different, feels different. I could tell there were things she was leaving out, but it seems that it was worse than I imagined. I don't know how you and Charlie are holding it together. Or Jacob, for that matter," my own eyes narrowed at the mention of Jacob and Renee turned back around.

"Look, Edward. Not to be insensitive, but her number was up before she got on that plane. You've been gone for a long time and a lot has happened in those years. I love Bella. She was my daughter and my best friend. But, I've been watching her die for the last few years. I'm relieved to know she's at peace for a change," she saw me cringe and added, "I don't hate you. I don't even hate what you did. I know what it's like, I ran away once too. But, you should've came back sooner," and with that she turned around. I could tell by the way her last sentence dropped that our morning conversation was over.

I didn't want to tell Renee that I had come back. She didn't need to feel sorry for me or be angry at me. But what secrets was Bella keeping from me? Not that I had any right to know. _Selfish boy._

Silently, I watched Renee remember Bella. It felt too intimate to me, like I was intruding. I decided that now would be a good time to find Alice and apologize to her; or find Jasper and apologize to him. Between mourning and drinking, I felt and looked like hell. I didn't even care anymore. There was nothing left to care about. Everything I had ever cared about was buried yesterday.

Quietly, I left the Swan house. On my way to my car, I heard something coming from the garage. Someone was tinkering around with Bella's ugly red truck. Who would do that today? So soon? Let her retain some dignity by leaving her truck be for awhile. I saw the dark hair sticking out from underneath the car. It was Jacob Black. My suspicion was confirmed when he got up and faced me. There was no smirk or cockiness. Just pain. I'll bite.

I changed directions and headed over to the garage. Once I got there, I leaned against the frame and waited for Jacob to acknowledge my presence, which he did after a few minutes of awkward silence.

"So, Cullen, how long you sticking around Forks?" he had his head under the hood now, and he didn't look at me when he spoke.

"Just a few days, I guess. I owe a few people apologies and explanations," I shrugged, "what about you?" Jacob laughed at my question and turned around.

"If you have something to ask me, just do it. Don't be all passive-aggressive girl on me. I can tell you've been itching to slap me since the moment you saw me. Don't be shy," he leaned into a bow as he spoke. And people think I'm a pretentious ass.

"Why are you still in Forks, Alice says you're worth billions," I stared at him severely and he let out another laugh.

"Don't believe everything Alice says. She likes to think she knows all and sees all, but she doesn't," he snorted.

"So tell me the real story."

"Edward," my muscles tensed as he used my first name, "I really think it's up to Charlie or Renee to tell you the real story."

"Renee is hiding something," I replied flatly.

"Everyone is hiding something," he said in a bored tone, and stuck his head back under the hood.

"Can I help?" He turned back around and looked me over.

"I don't know, Cullen. Can you?" He shot me a knowing smirk.

"I think I can be of some assistance," my voice was weary.

I was handling my problems like a man for a change. Jacob and I were experiencing grief in the way testosterone was meant to handle grief. Under the hood of a car. We fixed and cleaned in silence for a long time, checking oil and spark plugs. Filing transmission fluid and checking the radiator for cracks. It was the most masculine thing I had done in quite some time. Once we had done all we could, Jacob slammed the hood shut. He looked at me and smiled.

"This thing hasn't run in a few years. I wouldn't let her fix it, just bought her a new car. She'd be so pissed that I have it running now," his eyes brightened like a child's and I couldn't help but get sucked into the excitement.

"Let's fire her up and take her out for a spin," I replied energetically, as I slid into the passenger seat next to Jacob.

The truck turned over, and we high fived ourselves in the moment. Then we realized what we were doing . Two men that had vied for Bella's attention were fixed up her dead truck and were now high fiving each other in the front seat. It was so…afterschool special. Almost too cliché. We looked away from each other quickly and Jacob put the truck in gear and lurched forward.

We needed to share this moment, and we would.

"I know everything, so stop trying so hard not to give it away," Jacob looked at me pointedly.

We were now going faster than 15 miles per hour, and I wondered if Jacob was going to take me to a secluded spot and beat the shit out of me. I laughed out loud when I thought about how I might need it.

"I don't know what to say," I really didn't. What do you say to a man who's wife you were sexually and romantically linked to. Especially when it was recently. More importantly, after she has died. I rubbed my face with both of my hands as I tried to think of something else to add.

"I'm not going to kick your ass. Three even four years ago, I would have loved to meet you in a dark alley and teach you some manners. I hated you for breaking her, but loved you for leaving her in my arms. It's the ugly face of male competition," he shrugged now.

"I was glad she found something in you. It worried me to think I had ruined her, but when I saw you with her my heart broke. I didn't think I belonged in her heart anymore, and I hoped she had kicked me out," I was quiet now. Jacob laughed again; it bothered me how much he was laughing. I cringed.

"Hell, I wanted her to just get over you. I begged her to. I did everything I could to show her I could make her happier than you ever would. But, she didn't love me. Not the way she loved you or I loved her. She was an amazing woman though. Hard to get mad at her," he smiled sadly.

"Tell me about her, please."

"What's there to tell? She probably told you everything. She had just finished her degree at the University of Washington last May. I kept asking her what she was going to do with a degree in literature, but she just laughed at me. She was doing some freelance photo journalism. Mostly pieces about the poor and undereducated. I think she was working on a novel or a memoir. She even did a few critical articles about women in literature for some magazine," he grimaced at the last sentence and I laughed.

"She always did have soft spot for writers with vaginas," as Bella would put it.

"She spent a lot of time trying to soak up time. We were worried that she's never get finish her degree or get anywhere near as far as she did," Jacob had a tear sliding down his cheek now.

"Tell me what happened, Jacob," I was getting desperate.

"I really wish you'd ask Charlie. I don't know why she didn't tell you, but she didn't. Maybe Renee is right in hiding it from you. Let it go and keep her as she came to you," he looked at me now, and he stopped the car.

"First Beach?"

"La Push, baby. It's La Push," he smiled as he got out of the truck. I had never gone here with Bella before, but I knew she and Jacob had spent some time here growing up. Suddenly, I felt very unwelcomed. Why would he drag me out here with him? What's his angle?

"Come on Cullen, get out," he crossed his arms impatiently. I ran my hands through my hair, feeling self conscious and nervous. My hand grabbed the handle and I pushed myself out.

"I've been a train wreck of emotion. Whatever you aren't telling me will probably help," he cut me off before I could finish my last sentence.

"Look, I will tell you. Against my better judgment and against Bells' wishes. But if you're just going to whine all afternoon, I will spill my guts."

We walked in silence for some time, almost an hour. He took a seat at a rock close to the shore and let me know it was okay to share the seat. I looked out at the falls, and watched the water rise up and fall back down. The sound was strangely soothing. All I could smell was fresh air. Suddenly, I felt more pulled together than I had at the meadow.

"So, we got married three years ago. It was very shot-gun in essence," he felt my tense again, "don't worry, Cullen. She didn't get pregnant, it was just quick and unplanned. It didn't have the romantic undertones an elopement would. She was running away from something, I knew it then. I just didn't know what," he glanced over at me. I relaxed my jaw.

"She was always kind of a klutz, you know? Sliding on the ice, falling on the last step, knocking over the gift table while dancing at a wedding, I thought it was kinda endearing. When she started to get sick in the morning, I thought maybe she was pregnant. She took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Her doctor confirmed. We had her checked out, and they didn't find anything. She started sleeping a lot, through classes and work. Finally, I took her to a doctor in Seattle. I told him to do all the tests he had to figure out what was wrong with her, because I knew something was," Jacob looked down as he spoke, and I finally felt sorry for him. It finally hit me that we were just two men who lost the only women we had ever loved.

"Jacob, I'm sorry you have to relive this," was the only thing I could say to him. I hoped it was enough; to just know that I understood.

"She had cancer. That was the final diagnosis. The first thing she said to me after she found out was 'please don't tell anyone.' I wanted to fucking slap her. She had some tumor growing in her brain and she was worried about everyone else? But that's Bells for you, always giving a shit about everyone else before she gave a shit about herself. We tried all kinds of therapies. We told everyone we were going on a second honeymoon and we went to some fancy clinic to get the tumors removed. They gave her two years, at best," he was crying now, and I couldn't do anything for him, but let him cry. "She finally told Renee and Charlie, but that was it. Alice got the wrong impression. I wasn't trying to hoard her away, I was trying to keep her safe."

"Why didn't you just leave Forks, then?"

"She wanted to stay here, close to Charlie. Renee was living in Florida, but after the news she moved back to Phoenix to be closer. She just wanted to keep on. Part of me figured she didn't want to leave because she was still waiting for you to come back. She finished up school and did whatever she wanted as long as she could. Then she got sicker. She told everyone she had pneumonia. I have a feeling Alice figured it out, but it was easier to blame me than to come to terms with Bella dying," he took a deep breath and let out sigh. "She heard a song on the radio, and for the first time in two months she was full of life. I bought her the CD on a trip out to a hospital in Port Angeles. The rest you know, you were there. I even tracked you down for her, because I knew she loved you. I knew she was holding on for you. She had to know if you were happy before she could let herself go."

I sat silently. What could I say? Why didn't Bella tell me any of this? Because she didn't want my pity? Because she didn't want to see me sad when I had been so happy to have her around? She didn't want to burden me. No wonder it was so easy for her to commit to coming back to Chicago with me. I chuckled darkly to myself, this was the same thing I had done to her. Saying I'd come back but I never did. _Poetic justice._

"She had to let go, Edward. I had never seen her so full of life when she got on that plane to Chicago, but the trip took too much out of her. She barely made it off the plane. All she needed was to know you were okay, I guess. Or to know that you still loved her. Maybe to find out why you never came back to her. She was holding on for some reason or another that involved you. What could I do?"

"What about Rosalie?" it slipped out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop it. Now wasn't the time to throw it in his face, not after everything he had just shared with me.

"What about her? We really love each other. Bella wanted us to be together, but I couldn't leave her like that. Not when she was sick and didn't want anyone to know. I had to take care of her," he was looking at me now, "think what you will about me, but I was a damn good husband and an even better friend."

With that, he got off the rock and began to walk away from me quickly. I was going to catch up with him, but thought better of it. He needed to be alone with his thoughts right now. I felt sick. It wasn't the same crushing feeling I had felt at the wake. It was just grief threatening to take over my body. As if it hadn't already.

---  
_Suggested playlist for "There's a First Beach for Everything":  
"No Ordinary Love" – The Deftones  
"Roads" – Portishead  
"Simple Man" – The Deftones (Lynard Skynard would work too, but not set the right mood)  
"Walking with a Ghost" – Tegan and Sara  
"Your Own Disaster" – Taking Back Sunday_


	5. Absolution is not Absolute

_Twilight and its characters are not mine._

_Thanks for the little support that this fic has been given...I'm hoping to finish it up soon so I put serious focus on my other fic.  
_

_---  
_I finally pulled myself from the rock and gave a last fleeting look at the falls in front of me. Jacob's retreating form was almost too far away, and I broke into a light job to catch up. Maybe he was right. Perhaps I shouldn't have pried for the truth. Then I could keep the memory of Bella they way I wanted it. Romantic and happy. Instead of tainted with loss and misery.

I reached the red truck right on Jacob's heels. He said nothing as he slid back into the driver's seat and waited for me to get in. Hesitating over the door handle for a minute, I decided to get in. It's not like I meant to offend him, I was just looking for answers. And I got them, didn't I? I let the wind whip through my hair on the way back to the Swan house.

The atmosphere changed in the truck. It was no longer two men bonding through their grief. Now it was just two men silently grieving. I had been doing things by myself and taking burdens to my own shoulders for so long that I forgot what it felt like to share something with someone else. And I had that for one brief second with Jacob. Not that I was exactly pleased to have Jacob be able to ease any sort of burden of mine. But the fact remained, we were able to share in our misery and it made it more tolerable.

And now, it was silence. It was pain. It was anger and resentment. I think we resented ourselves almost as much as we resented each other. We were both supposed to be some kind of protector and we fell short of our duties. We knew it. And we both blamed the other for our own shortcomings. And suddenly, I knew that I couldn't let Jacob walk away from me without apologizing for blaming his impropriety. I knew that had nothing to do with anything important and I had just been trying to hurt him.

The truck stopped.

"Look, Jacob," I started, gauging his reaction, "I know that didn't have anything to do with anything."

"It's cool, Cullen," his tone was resigned, "all is fair in love and war." He shrugged.

"And loss, apparently," I whispered, feeling like a total dick.

I got out of the car and left Jacob with his own thoughts. I knew what I wanted to do; what I had to do. But, there was one more thing I wanted to face before I faced the final challenge. Jasper. It was late Sunday afternoon, and I knew I would be able to find him at his home. Probably watching old documentaries on the south or listening to music no one will ever hear about.

The drive felt longer than necessary. Jasper and Alice resided in a comfortable looking house just outside of Port Angeles. I was hoping that the yellow sports car would not be present. I did not want another confrontation with Alice. Since luck had not been going my way at all in the last seven years, the yellow car was the only thing I saw. I parked behind it in the driveway and made my way up to the front door. I took a deep breath and knocked. _Here goes nothing_.

Alice answered. She was wearing a black dress and her hair was straight against the side of her face. She looked older. Tired. Maybe even mature. She gave me a wary smile and invited me in with an arm gesture.

"Jasper will be right down. He's finishing up one of his history projects," she smiled politely.

"You're right about me," I replied, without looking at her.

"It was unfair of me to say those things to you, Edward. It's hard for all of us," her back was turned to me and she didn't bother to face me as she responded.

"I've always been a coward," I hoped this would illicit some kind of response from her.

She turned around and looked at me, sympathy and pity flashing through her face, "maybe, but it takes a certain amount of sacrifice to do the right thing. Doesn't it? And maybe you didn't do the right thing, and I still think you're selfish, but you tried to do right by her. And I guess that's enough, because it just doesn't matter anymore," her voice was low, almost a whisper.

"I suppose it doesn't," I agreed, softly.

"Edward," Jasper's voice came from the middle of the stairs. It seemed emotionless. When I turned to meet him, his face was emotionless too. I never expected Jasper would be the most difficult to face.

"Look, Jas, I don't expect you to want to sit down and have some kind of heart to heart with me. I just came to tell you that I'm sorry," his eyes met mine and I wasn't sure if he was going to accept my apology or not.

"I don't think you came here for absolution, so why are you looking so hard for it?"

"I guess I am just ignorant. I've always been ignorant. Maybe I didn't really understand what I did to everyone else when I left."

_Selfish little boy._

"It feels empty, Edward. Like you're using this tragedy to get forgiveness. You think it's going to bring us all together?" I wasn't sure if his question was rhetorical, but he crossed his arms impatiently waiting for a reply.

"Of course not. I don't have a place here anymore, Jasper, and I know that. I just need you to know that I'm sorry. I don't care if you accept the apology or not. I just need it to be out there."

"Fuck, Edward. You should have never left."

"I know. But, I had to. I would have fallen apart had I stayed here," but I fell apart anyway. I was falling apart not. Nothing could ever keep me together, except maybe Bella. And she was gone now.

"You've always been so damn dramatic," Jasper laughed at me.

He was fucking laughing at me. I would have found that terribly rude if it didn't mean that maybe there was a way for us to get past everything that had happened.

"Look, Edward, you've never owed me anything," he sighed.

"I owed you my friendship, at the very least," I replied.

"No. You had your own baggage. Maybe I was angry at you for a lot of reasons, but eventually I just got over it. I'll never understand it and I don't think you could help me understand if you tried. But, I just got over it. It doesn't matter to me anymore. You owe me nothing."

My stomach became uneasy as I digested Jasper's words. He was my best friend. And he washed his hands of me. But could I blame him? Had the tables been turned, I'm sure I would have reacted the same way.

"I just wanted you to know that I was sorry, Jas. For I did to her and you. And everyone else. That's all," I sighed and decided that the conversation was over.

As I headed back to the door, I felt Alice put her hand on my shoulder. We said nothing to each other, but I could feel some sense of comfort in that she had never given up on me the way everyone else had. Even though she told me differently, I felt that she was lying. Putting on a strong front.

And that was enough to get me to my last destination before I headed out of Forks for good.

---  
_Suggested playlist:_

_Marie Douceur, Marie Colere (Paint it Black) – Marie Laforet  
Like a Stone – Audioslave  
Breakdown – Seether  
Dreamworld – Rilo Kiley_


End file.
